Overwhelmed Is Not Even Close

PROCEED WITH CAUTION - VENTING ALERT! I am beyond overwhelmed with my life right now. I am so sick of school...well not even school - sick of going to school, working and trying to cook dinner, keep a clean house and everything else that comes with working full time, going to school and being a wife and mother.
There are days - LIKE TODAY - where I want to crawl under a rock and just set in silence for as long AS I WANT...but that is not an option because the world continues to turn - thank god for that. I just dropped one of my classes because I sat at my computer trying to figure out the first of 30 lessons due at midnight tonight and after an hour of trying to figure something out that normally I could have figured out in five minutes, I gave up. I am so tired and I can not consentrant on anything. Sky had to go to bed at 6pm tonight after I had to leave the store (cart in the aisle and all) because she just would not listen and she did not understand what NO meant. I feel like I am turning into a mother that I never wanted to be. Even though I know I am not - I am just trying to make life easier in the long run but IT SUCKS! Why is it when we have to get mad at our children we feel like they will no longer like/love us????? Atleast that is how I feel. I try to be fun and loving at all times and when I get mad and have to get on to Sky (happens daily with Sky / slash partial hearing three year old) or Kayden it makes me feel like a MONSTER! I hate this feeling...
Once again I am SOOOO sick of school! I love what I do and want to go to school something related to my job but I know that will take ten years at this point! No one seems to understand that I can't do this anymore....when I started off on this college education BS it was with the goal of not having to work full time - NOW I AM STUCK at a job where I make WAY less than I should and get to go to work everyday for basically free. Stuck and pissed! I can't do this anymore....I just can't. Something has got to give....
There are about 5 other pretty major things going on in my life right now besides the above so wish me and my sanity luck - we will need it! Oh and have I told you - I HATE hot weather with a passion! Bring on winter before this fireball goes up in flames!

Heart Tangled

My heart is heavy tonight and my mind is tangled with memories and thoughts of a very dear loved one. The memories I have of her our pleasant - almost as pleasant as her blueberry cobbler with a scoop of vanilla ice cream on top. I wish so bad I could go back to their old house and set on the counter one more time with her while she chopped up strawberries. I wish more that I could do this at her new house and I could stand at her side as my daughter took my place on the counter. I had a glimpse of hope that we might see her in the kitchen again if her knee got better - I could not help but dream of that day when she cooked a whole meal in her new kitchen that she had always wanted. I remember being a young girl and men telling her she was pretty and she always came back with some kind of smart remark. I admired her whit and charm - I saw it as strength. Her I don't give a dahm attitude but would still do anything in her power for her family - this inspired me. I wish so bad I could pick up the phone and dial that 795 number and chat on the phone with her until I had to try three times to tell her I had to go - even though I had to attempt the phone call three times because it was busy every time I called. I wish my fathers house still stood so I could go set on the front porch and wait for her white Lincoln to come around the last curve before getting to our road as she came to save me from boredom or work on my summers at my dads. We would go shopping and have so much fun. I loved talking to her at night as we watched TV and Granddad snored in his lazy boy. I cherish our conversations and always will. I wish I could drive down hwy 12 and pull in to their house just because I was driving by and wanted to see them - I didn't need a reason, it was like she already knew I was coming. I want to get in her freezer and get a fudge sickle when I get too hot this summer. I want her to put a "dab" of lipstick on my lips before we go eat at Glasgow's on a Friday night. I cherish these memories. My heart will break the day she goes to be with our maker and my tears will fall but I know that she will be happy again and no longer suffering. That is what I truly want. I want her mind right. I want her to be able to remember all these great things I remember. Tonight I will go to bed with this heavy heart...

He's all I'll ever need....

Two years ago this coming weekend I officially met the Mr. Shannon Campbell. Him and Kayden came out to dad's. My first impression was, what a great dad to take his four year old daughter on a road trip all by himself to a fairly unfamiliar place.

My second impression was later that night we were playing cards and he addressed me as "Brynn." This almost never happens - usually people are unsure of exactly how to pronounce my name or they are unsure of what exactly my name is. So normally it takes being around me a few times before they will say my name. I have been called "Hey you", "Girl", "Brye", "Gwen", "Beau's sister", "Tyler's sister"....and so on. Yes, this impressed me! lol

After that night I knew we had a connection, I just could not explain it and was not sure if it was a friend connection or romantic connection. Well I found out what it was and in a little over a year I get to marry this man.

I am not marrying him because I want a wedding, because he is the best father in the world, because people think that is what we should do....I am marrying him because he is part of me, he is the one that will never turn his back on me, the one that will pick me up when I fall, the one that will laugh with me and let me cry....just to cry. I can not explain how much I love this man. I can not explain how he makes me feel. I can explain that it is different then anyone has ever made me feel. I am so thankful to have him in my life. I am so thankful to have him as the father of my child.

I am so excited to grow old with him. I cannot wait to set on our front porch and watch our grandchildren play.

So thank you Shannon, for showing me what love is....what kindness is....and for sharing your life with me.....I love you.

Life lesson...

Three years ago after giving birth to my beautiful little angel I decided to go back to school. I wanted to do this to be able to stand on my own two feet and support myself and Sky without help. I wanted independence - something I have not always been good at. Well I am almost done with my associate's. I never realized how much time it would take to go to school - as far as how much time I would actually spend on campus. I am at the point now where basically all I have left are a couple Algebra classes and classes that have a lab with them. I am kicking myself in the butt for not doing these classes before - when I didn't have a full-time job. It seems impossible to work full-time and finish. I am not scared of it being hard or being tired. I am scared of not being able to see my lil family. Especially Skyler who would not understand why I am not there. My options are to work all day and go to school from 5pm-10pm two days a week and do homework and study on the other nights or quit either my job or school. Quitting my job is basically not an option due to finance's. So what do I do? I have lost sleep over this and have been pretty stressed about it.

All I ever wanted to do growing up was be a "homemaker." Why can't I win the lottery, stay at home and finish school as I can??? Wouldn't that make life so much better! lol

Life is good though....I am so thankful for all I have been blessed with. Shannon is such an amazing guy and I can't wait to be his wife. Skyler is growing like a weed and full of life and personality. Kayden is so sweet and maturing so fast into a bright and pleasant young lady. I just wish I could get all this figured out. I feel like I am in a ditch with no way out watching "life" move on without me.

That's all I got for now...just needed to vent and get that off my chest.

:o)

BT